Worth It All

It's been a long time since I've posted on here...haha and I feel like I say this every post, but I don't post as often as I'd like to. Things have been a roller coaster for me. I struggled a lot this past summer with different things. Made bad choices. Pushing God further and further away. To boil it down I just wanted to satisfy myself and live for myself. But by His grace, my heart has been changed since then. I do still have to live with those mistakes but now they are becoming pivotal growing points in my life.

However, the biggest thing I'm still needing to work on is trust and patience. The search for a full-time job is still ongoing and becoming more of a necessity than ever before. And then to have a job put out for you and then taken away makes it a lot harder. I am very thankful now that I'm not going to be working for that company but it still was hard to have what I needed and then have it taken right out from under me. I know God has a reason which is what I can rest on...knowing that there's a purpose for everything. He has a purpose and plan for my life. I am still growing and trying to know what that plan is, but it's far greater than any plan I had for myself. So right now I'm just working on being patient for that right job to come along. I know it'll become and then it'll be something that "fits" me much better. I am grateful that Walmart still kept me on as an employee, but still have to trust God and learn patience there because it's still not something I want to be doing.

"And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:19

I am working to trust God in the little and big things. He will provide for my life. He's proven that time and time again in the past. Whether it was things I needed and even things I've just wanted. I finally got to a point of totally handing over to Him my desire for a relationship. That was always something I wanted to control, but time and time again it ended badly and got me into trouble. Given me regrets. But I was finally able to hand that over to God a little while back. And He has blessed me in that area, I think, because of that. I feel maybe He was just waiting until I would say, "Here, God, please take control of this. I can't do it." And He brought a really great guy to me who is a really godly and amazing man. It's also given me a chance to talk through my past regrets and problems with someone which gave me the chance to "let go" of those things. 

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart 

and lean not on your own understanding;

⁶ 

in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight" 

Proverbs 3:5-6

I am an extremely blessed young lady and am still growing, but I think I'm finally seeing things with the right perspective. I need to continue to trust God, handing everything over to Him and not just the things I want to. I need to continue to grow in patience. God takes good care of all His children and everything that God has planned will happen when He knows it's the right time. Finances. The right job. God will take care of it all. I just have to let Him. A favorite quotation I've seen is a simple quote but it holds such impacting and hard truth---"Let go, let God". Believe me, it's not always easy but I'm coming to find it's very worth it all.

A Contented Heart

      Well, first I need to start by saying Happy Easter to everyone! Church was such a blessing this morning at Calvary! I have loved going to that church and the message Pastor Charles preached was such a blessing looking at the importance of the 3 days and why we celebrate “Easter”. Thank you, Christ for your Resurrection and that You did not stay in that tomb! You did rise again! I do not feel as if I am at all adequate enough to do something like this, but it’s something I really want to do and feel led to do. I think it can be a blessing and help to people and even to myself. I just want to really write what how God works in my heart and what I am learning from His Word, but kind like writing my own “mini” devotionals. 

      Contentment. It’s not an easy thing to have, is it? I know this from personal experience because I struggle with it on a daily basis. I struggle with being content single. I struggle being content at college because I don’t enjoy it but I have to finish. I struggle being content not knowing what God has for a future job for me. So many things I struggle with, but God tells us in His Word we cannot worry about these things. He is taking care of us. He is in control and will not leave our sides (Hebrews 13:5). We need to stop trying to be in control and hand everything over to Him. We need to be content with where we are and give control of our lives to Him. God knows every situation we face and can take care of us, we do not need to worry and we need to be content in that situation (Philippians 4:11-12). 

       I know, sometimes that can be easier said than done! I struggle with that all that time. Sometimes it is a matter of daily just giving it over to God. Sometimes we will feel like we are in our deepest “pit” and so discontent with where we are in our lives and ready to give up and it will just have to be one of those days where we will need look to God first and foremost and cry out to Him for help to bring you back to a place of contentment. It is even good to have good friends and family that can helpJ. We will live miserable lives if we live them discontented, not to mention, God tells us that we are to be content so if we were not then we would be living in disobedience to God as well. I can honestly say I have had a lousy semester and a lot of it has been because I have been discontent with my circumstances. It’s my biggest struggle that I am working on and by God’s grace I am getting through it day by day.

Philippians 4:11-12

“I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.”

Storms of Life

So it's been a pretty rough past couple of days...make that weeks, ok months! I feel I need to just write everything down and get it all out!!! I've really just not enjoyed my semester which kind of is a bummer since it was my last semester as a college student! I thought living off of campus was going to be the greatest thing which it was (for the first half)! Classes are not fun or easy...I've actually been ready to throw in the towel on more than one occasion this semester...lucky for me I've had some people that have not let me do that! lol. They have encouraged me to keep going! Throw a surgery into the semester and recovery time kind of stinks too. Then for about a week it all started to look up again (That's probably when you all read my last blog lol)......then back down it has gone! I actually told a friend today that I wished I had stayed in the dorms (*never thought I'd hear myself say that one!). You hear the saying, "Drama, drama, drama...." well, that about sums up my semester! Drama and emotional choas! I just feel physically drained from trying to keep up with school and with my health. I feel emotionally drained with relationship issues. And I feel spiritually drained. Besides my family which I love so much and wish I could be with them right now...only 1 person has really helped me through everything and kept me going and that's Debbie! (Thanks Deb!) I just have grown to love her and respect her so much over the past few years and enjoy talking and spending time with her!!

All this time I've been wondering where God has been through all of this because I haven't felt His help or guidance through any of it. I've cried more times than I can count this semester and I've yelled at God for more things than I probably should have. Done things I regret. But I can't take any of the stuff back. But what I can do is ask for God's forgiveness. Ask for Him to help me get back up and start over. It won't be easy. It might not even be fun at times. There was one day when I was crying my eyes out texting a friend and asking why my life has never been easy....but God never promised easy. And He's just making me stronger for what He has in store for me! God does have a plan for me. Jeremiah 29:11 has been the verse I've always clung to. Brian Hansen has been the speaker in chapel the past few days and Tuesday he spoke on the Storms of Life and how some of us are facing storms in our lives and it's not easy and we need to trust God--give it all to God!!! He said in his message, "Can you be right where God wants you to be and things be still be difficult? Can you be right where God wants you to be and life go wrong?--Yes! Yes you can!" (Ok, Ben maybe I paid a little more attention than I thought I did :))We need to give it all over to God...I know, easier said than done but it's so worth it! His ways are higher than ours! He knows what He's doing. I know I feel like I won't make it through this semester, but I just have to remember that God can bring me through! (and that I only have 38 days until graduation!!!!!) I guess I gotta remember and remind myself that God is in control and try harder at putting Him first. Life will be so much more rewarding!

Moving Forward...

Wow, it's been a long time since I've been on here and so much has happened! I've been incredibly blessed by God and have also hit my all time low during that time! But I'm back and ready to move forward. I'm in my last month and a half of the semester and then graduation! Crazy, I know! I do not know what God holds for my future but am so excited to see what will happen. The first half of the semester was insane with having to get surgery and have my gall bladder removed and then trying to get caught up. It seemed like I couldn't handle it all and I never fully wanted to hand it over to God. Part of me always wanted to have control of it!

I also met this really great guy online and we hit things off really quickly but I already was struggling in my relationship with God and did not want to make Christ the center of our relationship. So quickly our relationship spiraled out of control as well. Really nothing was going well for me. Finances were a crazy mess and while the Lord kept providing in amazing and miraculous ways I still had a lot of needs that I didn't know how they were gonna be met! By the time Spring Break came I was a mess even though I thought I was doing great! But really I was lying to myself all that time! I was making myself think everything would be okay. The first half of Spring Break I made some of the worst decisions I could have ever made in my life that I will have to live with and regret but have learned from. I feel like I've fallen so far from God and then one day God just convicted me and I wanted to get things right. So I was going to get things right and mend my broken relationship with God. And then it seemed my world crashed down beside me that night with the guy I met....and that's when I really started thinking and working on things. And that's where I'm sitting right now. I could not be happier with where God has brought me. Yes, I have seriously messed up in some areas. But I have also learned so much! I read a devotional today by Sharon Jaynes about Ruth and Naomi and Orpah. It was all about whether or not you will choose to look back at your past or move forward and look ahead.

"Ruth, a Moabite, told Naomi, “Your God will be my God!” God was enough. She didn’t care if there was no husband, no future, no provision. She was not turning her back on Naomi. She was not turning her back on the God of Abraham. She was moving forward and trusting God!
There was nothing for Orpah in Bethlehem but God. There was nothing for Ruth in Bethlehem…but God. How many of us look at the future as Orpah did? We look ahead and it looks bleak, so we give up, turn around and go backwards…tuck our tails and go home?
How many of us look at the future, as Ruth did? She saw only God, and continued moving forward? How many of us, like Ruth, believe that God is enough?"

I want to look forward to my God! I want to move forward! God, I don’t see anything positive in this situation. I don’t see any hope. But I do see You and that’s enough. I’m moving forward…to Bethlehem…to the city whose name means, “House of Bread!” God I don’t see what the future holds. I know others around me don’t see any future for me. I have Naomi's in my life who tell me to turn around and go home. But God, you are enough. You are more than enough. You are all I need. I’m moving forward. I’m moving toward You!”

Dear God, no matter what anyone tells me today to try and discourage me from following hard after You, I am pressing forward. I am believing in You. I am trusting in You. I am clinging to You. You are more than enough.
In Jesus’ Name,
Amen.

I'm Trying, God!

It's been quite a while since I've written on this thing. I've definitely had my ups and downs since the last time I wrote. I'm finishing up week 3 of my Christmas break! One more full week left. I don't know how I feel about that. However, I've come across a predicament that could keep me from finishing my last semester of my senior year....books! I don't have the money for my books...$250 for these books and I don't have it and with living off campus I have to have my own books. So, no books=no school. I'm really upset about it and am trying really hard to trust God. Trust is a hard thing to do, especially when it appears there is no way it could work out. I've been praying every day that God will provide somehow. Some miracle. I know God is totally capable to work a great miracle. The impossible is possible with Him. I just keep wondering why do I have to deal with all these financial issues? Because not being able to pay for books is far from the only financial bind that I'm in! So why me? Why all of this all at once? And why is He taking so long to provide? I want to trust...I really do! I'm trying, God!

I can't answer why I have to deal with this, but I'm going to keep striving to place all my trust in God. I know He can and will provide. I struggle with a lot of issues when it comes to trusting God. Like trusting Him for all these health issues that come up. Trusting Him for why I am still single and that He does have an awesome guy out there for me somewhere. The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines trust as (n.) assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something. I KNOW God's character enough to know He has the ability and strength to provide. So why is this a struggle? TRUST...

Proverbs 3:5-6

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths."

Psalm 20:7

“Some trust in chariots, and some in horses: but we will remember the name of the LORD our God.”

Psalm 9:10

“And they that know thy name will put their trust in thee: for thou, LORD, hast not forsaken them that seek thee.”

2 Samuel 22:31

“As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the LORD is tried: he is a buckler to all them that trust in him.”

Nahum 1:7

"The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble;
And He knows those who trust in Him."

So many verses about TRUSTING in God. He really does love and care for me. I'm not deserving of His grace but He constantly shows me it. Thank you, God! Help me in the times I don't want to trust. I need You! I love you!