*Sigh.....I don't know where to begin because honestly I feel like it won't make a difference anyhow, but I'm hoping that writing everything I'm feeling will help somehow. The past several months for me could be described as hell. It's been so long though since I've written on here...probably because lately I've liked keeping all my feelings inside. Chris is the only person can even begin to know how I'm feeling and what I'm going through. I lost my job in the beginning of January to a scam! And I can't help but feel it's my own fault because I fell for it! How stupid am I? And now it's going on 4 months later and I still don't have a job and so in debt and can't pay my bills! And I'm trying to plan a wedding with money I don't have which has been extremely stressful. If you don't know this already about me, I don't handle stress well at all. In fact, I struggle with anxiety which makes everything 100x worse. So between being unemployed so long, the wedding, finances and other stuff that seems to endlessly arise my health has declined due to the stress. So then I stress about the health issues as well. So I'm a mess really. I wish I could get a handle on all of this. And what I've come to hate most about this is how helpless I feel. Because I can't do anything about it to fix it all, and while I know people are trying to help I've begun to feel like a charity case where people just feel bad for me and help out of pity. I hate feeling like that, but I can't help it. I'm lucky if I don't break down or have a panic attack at least 3-4 times/week.
Another thing that is making this so hard is I can't stand the way I look. No matter how hard I try, I can't lose weight. To me, when I look in the mirror, I feel like the fattest, most unappealing woman in the world! And when no one gets that or understands that--even if it's not true--it's how I feel! It's how I see myself when I look in the mirror and I hate it. But I can't help it. And nothings working. I have really bad panic attacks when I just think about it afraid I'll always look like this. I can hardly take compliments from people anymore and I feel bad, but hate hearing "You look great" or "You look beautiful today" from people because I can't see it but so badly want to. And the thing is, I keep it all inside unless I'm talking to Chris about it. I always tell people I'm doing good and everything's great because I don't like being like this or giving anyone reason to "feel bad" for me. I guess that's my own pride or just being scared to be real with anyone. I want people to think I've got this together. But in reality, I don't. I think I feel that I'm expected to be able to handle it. But I'm lost and I don't know how to get through all this anymore.
I've been struggling with one big question lately among all this. Does God even care? Does He see that I can't handle all of this? I mean, I thought He promised to not give us more than we can handle! But He has....I've far surpassed the point where I can handle all this. And it just seems that He's been piling more and more on. With finances...adding more bills with health stuff and now a car that has many things needing fixed. Still no job. Where is He during all this? I don't know when it happened but I've lost sight of Him and feel like I'm drowning in my struggles. There's times when I want nothing to do with Him anymore because it feels like He's just abandoned me! Then I feel guilty later for even thinking in such a way! But where is He? Why won't He take some of this hurt and pain away in my life? I'm having a hard time having the trust and faith I'm supposed to in Someone that isn't helping. I just don't know what to do. I do thank Him for such a loving and caring fiance that has helped me get this far in this. Chris has been my rock! lol....he's let me cry on his shoulder sooo many times! But I'm barely hanging on anymore....and I'm sick of it. I need God to make Himself known in my life....to work somehow....until then hopefully I make it.
"Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. Relieve the troubles of my heart and free me from my anguish." Psalm 25:16-17
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