"Breaking the Cultural Mirror"

"So let us run the race that is before us and never give up. We should removed from our lives anything that would get in the way and the sin that so easily holds us back. Let us look only to Jesus, the One who began our faith and who makes it perfect."

Hebrews 12:1-2 NCV

So this was the last chapter in my book. Overall, it was a good book. I did learn some stuff, though this struggle is still a huge battle for me. But I have another book that I will be starting on the topic which I'm sure I'll blog about as well. 

In the very beginning of this chapter the author stated something that sounds just like me...as if she was directing the comment at me. "Many of us may know truth, but our hearts haven't embraced it. We may speak it, but it isn't reflected in our thinking or actions. Our vision has shifted from Jesus to what He can give us, then over to others, then back to ourselves, and everywhere in between.....one huge distraction and lie along the way that we fall prey to is the trap of comparisons." This is exactly where my problem lies. I know the truth on this matter, but my heart hasn't embraced it. I don't even know why because I know it's in the Scriptures so it's obviously true, but yet I can't wrap my heart and mind around it. And she nailed it on the head when she said that comparisons is a huge distraction. I am constantly finding myself comparing me to other women who look great! Wishing desperately that I just could look like them. Women that are thin--the perfect size. Women with fabulous skin or hair. Women that are outgoing. Women that don't have the hormone imbalance that I have to daily deal with. I'm always comparing myself to these other women and never measuring up to that standard I so badly want in my mind and seeing that they do. It's a bad habit for me to be doing such a thing, but I can't help it. It just happens when I see it. But I feel helpless to do anything about it. Like I'll never be able to change. God, please help me with this! I feel like I will never conquer this battle! Only You can help me!

This is what Melinda Doolittle says on the topic of comparing and competing with others, "To me, that passage (Psalm 139:13-16) says that we matter to God: he made us, and even before we were born, He established a plan for our lives. We cannot base our estimation of ourselves on the fickle opinions of other people. That's why I believe I am only in competition with myself. Certainly, I want to be the best "me" possible, so I work at my craft. I try to take good care of my body, mind and spirit. But I don't base my self esteem on someone else's idea of who I should be. Funny, may images of celebrities or models in magazines nowadays are "computer enhanced", altered to look better by someone who is handy with a mouse. The images themselves are not even real, much less valid comparisons. So rather than comparing yourself to anyone else, simply relax and enjoy being the person God made you to be. You are your own competition. In fact, you are your only competition." 

The last quote I wanted to mention before I end this blog on the book. "Intimacy is surrendering every single part of us to Him so He can grow us to look more like Him--seeing with His eyes, loving with His love, walking in His will, and being obedient in what He has called us to do. It is realizing we don't have to perform, but that He is doing the work in and through us." This was a pretty powerful quote. I can't say that I've been able to do this fully. Am I willing to surrender every part of me to Him? Even this battle I'm fighting? I desperately do want to be more like Him. That is my hearts one desire, but to do this means understanding and accepting this truth that I am beautiful. God, help allow Your truth to take hold of my heart. Help break down this wall in my life and allow me to be more like You! I love you, God!

I want to end with the prayer that the author ended her book with. I want this to be my prayer!

"Lord, I come and give myself to You as an offering. Take every part of me--from the top of my head to the soles of my feet, from the innermost parts to the outermost parts. Take the best of me and the rest of me. Take my heart, because I can't do it on my own. I am a sinner saved only by Your grace. Apart from You, there is nothing good or beautiful in me. Holy Spirit, come into my heart and begin to move, begin to uncover the lies that are buried there about who You are--Your character and Your heart--about who I am, how I see myself, about my body, and my relationship with You. Reveal Yourself and the truths You want me to discover about who You made me to be. Give me the desire and the strength to take steps to walk in that privilege. Show me what real and intimate relationship with You is like. I want to walk in the desires of Your heart. Amen"

 

"When The Tent Begins to Sag, Keep Your Eyes On The Mansion"

"We've been given a glimpse of the real thing, our true home, our resurrection bodies! The Spirit of God whets our appetite by giving us a taste of what's ahead. He puts a little of heaven in our hearts so that we'll never settle for less."

2 Corinthians 5:5 MSG

Well I have to admit this chapter was not as good as I was hoping. Ok, so it was good but not helpful for what I'm struggling with. I think was meant to be but I don't see how. The chapter talked about how when we get to heaven we will receive new, glorified and perfect bodies. Which is great and exciting to look forward to, but I don't know how that is supposed to help me feel better about how I look now and how I am. I did, however, want to share something that I found in this chapter. The author used to help out at a retirement community and she pointed out some of the life lessons: 

• "Three keys to living a joyful and victorious life: Jesus Christ, a positive attitude, and a thankful heart. We have a choice when life throws the tough stuff at us. We can choose to keep our eyes on these and rise above the situation, or we can choose to keep our eyes on ourselves and become negative and bitter."
• "Relationships are what matter in life. The time and investment we make in others determine the dividends we receive later."
• "Life isn't fair no matter what our age and stage of life because we live in a broken world."
• "Our faith in Jesus is all that remains when life has stripped us of what the earth deems valuable."
• "Healing can sometimes come slowly, but with every trace of it we can be assured we're headed in the right direction."
• "We naturally assign ourselves value by what we do, not by who (or whose) we are. And because of it, we struggle when change occurs."
• "To grow older can be difficult, but to grow older with Jesus is beautiful. Our bodies will deteriorate, but inwardly we are being renewed every day (2 Corinthians 4:16)."

While the chapter didn't really help me with this constant battle I'm struggling with, I found those life lessons extremely good and helpful just for life in general. The first one especially stuck out to me. Really, it's true! To get through life that is really all we need. Jesus Christ, first and foremost. A positive attitude. A thankful heart. I know I'm not always good at keeping my focus on these three things, but it is my goal to do so with whatever life throws at me.

Another thing I had underlined was "when we turn our eyes to Jesus, when we soak in His declaration of who He is and who we are because of Him, the lies give way to truth and our discontentment becomes celebration! Keep looking up!" Oh, how I wish I can have this truth sink into my heart and mind. That's my problem is the truth doesn't seem to be able to really sink in like it needs to. I know what the truth is, but struggle to accept and truly believe it. God, I yearn and long to really know and accept this truth that I am beautiful to You!! Please open my eyes and heart. Show me I'm a beautiful daughter of the King!

"People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within."

~Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

 

"You Mean I Get A Servant With This House?"

"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever."

1 Corinthians 9:24-25 NIV

I think this chapter was probably my favorite so far. I'm not going to write about everything I underlined because I would be here all night. I don't know, maybe all the chapters have been this great but I'm just now starting to grow in this area so my eyes were opened to more of the truths held within the chapter--which are contained in the Scriptures. A lot of this chapters focus was on exercise--yep, I said the dreaded word! The author actually tries to convince everyone that exercise really IS good for us...hmmm who would've known! lol. 

The first point I wanted to highlight from the chapter was when the author states, "because our bodies are a valuable gift, to care for them is an act of love and respect--to God, to others, and to ourselves." The author, Jocelyn Hamsher has us take a good look at what self-care really looks like! Exercise. Balanced nutrition. Massage therapy. A good night sleep. Doing something that we really enjoy doing. All these things are just some of the ways that self-care looks like. Hamsher gives the example of how it would be if she borrowed her best friends car and then recklessly banged up the car and trashed the inside? Of course anyone that did that would feel awful! How is not taking care of our bodies any different than trashing our friends car? Our bodies are the temples of the Holy Spirit! Jesus Christ dwells within us and so we are we to make our bodies become master! But really, why shouldn't I want to take care of myself? Why wouldn't I take care of something far more precious given to me by someone far more important who loves me far greater?

A very good question was later asked in the chapter that really causes me to think. "What or who is controlling your body?" Wow! I had never thought of that. I didn't really know how to answer that question when I first read it. But when it comes down to it, I found several things to be controlling my body rather than allowing God to have control of this area. Food with the lack of exercise was a big thing. I spent a lot of time complaining about how I look, yet I always eat more food and do less exercise if any at all! So now, who's fault really is it if I don't look "good". Yeah well as much as I hate to admit it, it's mine. I've been better recently with this than I used to be. Trying to get into the habit of daily exercise and eating less. Another very big thing that I have let control my body (probably actually the key thing) is society. I was letting society and their standard for perfection to guide and control how I thought I needed to look. I was allowing society to determine my worth rather than letting God determine my worth. 

Probably my favorite statement in this book so far was in context with speaking on the importance of exercise and how we see our bodies. "The focus has turned from losing weight to the bigger picture of better health. The focus has turned from being approved of by others to the bigger picture of being responsible for taking care of God's dwelling place. The focus has changed from seeing my body as master to the bigger picture of seeing my body as a servant." I have never ever been able to think of my body that way...but I want to! My body has certainly been the master of my life! But the author goes on to point out that our bodies were a gift to us by God to be a servant for us to use to bless God and others. To love and to appreciate. And for me to accomplish what God has called and purposed me to do. I pray that I will soon learn to view my body in this way! I no longer want my body and how I look to control my life! 

The author wraps up the chapter by telling us how we can accomplish all this. First, we need to be intentional. We need to do something about it! It's making the decision ahead of time and then doing it. We need to be intentional in both our physical and spiritual lives! Intentionally make time for exercising and taking care of yourself physically. And then intentionally make time to be in God's Word and prayer daily to take care of yourself spiritually. Second, we must stay focused! Where our eyes are fixed is so vital, because everything else in us will just follow. Once we have set up a plan we must strive to stay focused in accomplishing it. The author states that proper focus builds endurance! Finally, we must make our bodies servants. Training means we choose to look and treat our bodies as servants and no longer as our masters. Ways we see this accomplished is through exercising. Through self-restraint. By not giving into every want and craving that we may have. And in time, it will become easier for us. "Then when we give God all of us, we can trust in Him to lead us to a new place of health and life--physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually--in His time and in His way."

"Life is more than just getting through a workout, it's getting through trials, times of waiting, disappointments, frustrations, and heartbreak. But these times aren't spent in vain when we bring them before Jesus. He can turn tragedy into tenderness, pain into patience, failure into faith, struggle into surrender, trial into tenacity, temptation into triumph. So, how do we train physically and spiritually? Be intentional, stay focused, and make our bodies servants."

~Jocelyn Hamsher

 

"Why Does My Arm Keep Waving After My Hand Has Stopped?"

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised." 

Proverbs 31:30 NIV

I have just finished chapter three...finally. I am coming to realize I am definitely not a reader or I just have too much to read, but it's good for me so I will make it through :) This chapter was pretty good...but I realize I've been struggling with constantly thinking I am fat a lot this past week or two. The lies continually flood my mind and there's days I feel like I'm drowning in this struggle I face. But, I know I don't want to deal with these thoughts anymore so I'm going to fight this out until the end!

Something that I read at the beginning of the chapter really struck me. The author states, "Like the others, they initially grieved, but their negative body image continued to affect their attitude as a whole, which in turn affected all areas of their life." That statement really made me think. Is this true of me? Has the negative way I viewed my body poured out into other areas of my life? How was this negative attitude toward my body affecting others around me? All these questions were good for me to ask myself because it challenged me to really have that desire to change. I do not want to be known as a woman that is constantly negative and always down. I want others to see Christ shine through my life and how could that be accomplished if I am  so focused on my self-image and going against the truth of God's Word that says I AM beautiful in His sight? Wow...that seems deep but very impacting on my life. 

The next part in the chapter that I underlined I loved! The author was speaking of a friend of hers who had fought breast cancer and had to have both of her breasts surgically removed! How hard that must have been for her to face such a trial in her life. But she acted with grace and faith in her loving God. She stated, "A lot of women think they will be noticed with tight clothes or plummeting necklines, when in reality the real attraction is the look on their face, their smile, their attitude, the way they convey themselves to others. To me, it's a lie to think the real attraction is all physical, because I have experienced something else." Seriously, that was probably the best statement I could have read. For a woman that had to face such a trying time in her life was able to walk away from it saying that--she really understood that she was beautiful to God no matter what! Society pushes such inappropriate and revealing styles for women and make it seem that if you don't dress to those standards or look a certain way than you're worth nothing basically. But that's not what matters to God and it shouldn't be what matters to us either; though most of us are guilty of making that our focus. But what would it look like if every man and woman focused on what was inside! The look on their face. Their smile. Their attitude. The way they convey themselves to others. Well that would be amazing to see, but unfortunately we don't live in a perfect world where that would be true. Society has distorted how God intended things to be. Lord, I pray you give me the grace and faith to see myself and others as You do!

"We may not always have a choice as to the change that comes, but we do have a choice as to how we will deal with it. Just like with anything else in life, we can choose to react or respond when it comes." This statement stuck out to me as well. When it comes to my self-image I know I have always chosen to react and not in a good way. Constantly putting myself down and mistreating my body all because I thought it would make up for the way I looked. But what would it look like if I chose to respond rather than react. Responding to the way I look, as the author puts it, would be to acknowledge that we might not necessarily like how our body looks or has changed but realizing what we do have. What blessings we have been given. Responding is opening our eyes to a new perspective. Responding is sitting back and looking at Jesus. Jesus is our beauty. "As physical change may be affecting us outwardly, He is beautifying us inwardly in character and faith." So rather than reacting I choose to respond!

"Beauty lies in a woman who fears the Lord, a woman who loves and reverences Jesus Christ, who submits to Him as Lord of her life and lover of her soul" - Jocelyn Hamsher

 

"Duct Tape, Underwire, and Other Transforming Thoughts"

"For in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and for him."

Colossians 1:16 NIV

I finished chapter two of my book...I am struggling still to see how this will be of any success in helping me. But I am trying to remain positive! And I am not saying at all that it isn't a good book and the truths are definitely there, but I seem to be having trouble letting it sink into my thoughts and my heart. I'm sure it just takes time before I will begin to actually see myself as beautiful. It is extremely helpful having encouragement from friends and my very supportive and caring boyfriend though! That alone does make me want to fix this problem of mine. 

Something that stuck out to me in this chapter was how the author was talking about how sacred and valuable our bodies are! She states, "We are not talking about your body's appearance right now, but how sacred and valuable it truly is. We are talking about its purpose, its dignity, and the high calling of what it was made to do and who it was made for. That alone makes your body absolutely beautiful." That statement just really struck hard for me and it still is sinking in, but has a very clear message to me. I really need to be able to just push aside the value and importance I have placed on my physical appearance (yes, I believe it's important to remain healthy and take care of one's body) and rather place that focus on why my body was made and what it was made for as she stated. It was made to honor and glorify God through all I do with it. That is what should be important to me! Am I really glorifying and honoring God when I call myself fat or ugly? No I don't believe so because He is the creator of it and He sees all of His creation as beautiful.  So I really need to train my mind and ask God daily to change my thinking in this area because I want nothing more than to honor Him!

"Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out; you formed me in my mother's womb. I thank you, High God--you're breathtaking! Body and soul, I am marvelously made! I worship in adoration--what a creation! You know me inside and out, you know every bone in my body; you know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something. Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread out before you, the days of my life all prepared before I'd even lived one day."

Psalm 139:13-16 MSG

Something else that she pointed out was that we are God's masterpiece! I'm not an amazing artist or anything, but I really appreciate and am fascinated by great works of art. So I loved how we are called God's workmanship or masterpiece! He sees us as this amazing work of art and out of all God's works, we are His most excellent! She went on to say how David saw himself as God wants us to. He was wowed at how God had created him! I want to be able to see myself as beautiful and a work of art just as David did...just as Christ does! The author showed us that "when David looked at his body his focus shifted to the magnificence and majesty of God". Wow! That just amazes me that he could do that and that is exactly what I want for myself. I need to begin to start reminding myself of truths every time a negative thought enters my mind. It'll take some discipline for sure, but I am willing to work through this with God's help! 

Ok, this chapter was better than I originally remembered now that I am going back to blog about it! I feel I have so much to comment on. She says a friend of hers commented on Psalm 139 after really digging deep into and thinking about it and said, "as she read these verses again, she realized God not only saw her strengths and good points when He was crafting her, but that He also saw her weaknesses, her imperfections, her struggles and her flaws as well. And He still proceeded to create her. He did it with an unconditional, unfailing, lavish kind of love and joy because she was His. Her uniqueness, originality, and design were a reflection of God's mind, heart, and creativity. He created her and called her beautiful." That to me was just really cool to read! A very good way to think about your body and to reflect on Psalm 139! I pray that I can see this with that thought! 

One last thing I wanted to point out was where it said, "our bodies were meant to worship, to declare the greatness of the only true and living God." A huge portion of this chapter focused on this topic. We are meant to worship God all the time and this includes with our body. In all that we do with it! So that is my desire and goal. I want Christ to be exalted in my body! And in everything I do! 

"Our bodies are designed to worship Jesus, expressing love and gratitude toward Him."

-Jocelyn Hamsher

 

"Do These Jeans Make Me Look Fat?"

I have decided to do something I have never really done before; I am going to blog about a book ("Do These Jeans Make Me Look Fat?" by Jocelyn Hamsher) I am reading chapter by chapter. I know it's not going to be easy going through this and writing about it. I know I will end up writing all my deepest thoughts and thus making me feel vulnerable, but I am going to do it nonetheless. I am currently struggling with something in my life--actually that's even understating it because I am deeply and severely struggling with this issue--I can't seem to see myself how I know I should be. I look in the mirror and all I can see if FAT and UGLY. Two words that no one ever wants to hear yet that's all I can hear going through my head as I see my reflection in a mirror. And the thing is everyone tells me otherwise but I still can't seem to bring myself to believe it. So the idea came to mind that I should maybe start doing a devotional book on how God sees me. I guess I am hoping that reading it and reinforcing the truth that I am beautiful in God's eyes will help and truly sink into my heart and mind. I will be honest and can't see how I will be able to drop this mentality that I've had for over 8 years now. It almost seems like it's just part of me and who I am, but my great friend constantly reminds me that it is possible! God can take these thoughts out of my mind and help me to see myself how He sees me! So here we go.....

Chapter One, "Do These Jeans Make Me Look Fat?" was a good read. It started out with a verse in Romans.

"Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you." 

Romans 12:2 MSG

When I read a book I tend to underline what I think is really good and that's really what I focus on and take away from that reading. They did state that with today's society it is extremely common for someone (particularly girls) to think this way of themselves. 8 out of 10 women struggle with body dissatisfaction! I mean, seriously, how can we not with how the world is pushing that we should look?! Apparently I am supposed to be a size 0 waist with a huge chest....well let me tell you I am FAR from that! And I know I can never be that nor do I want to be that small but yeah, I'm one of those 8 that's not happy with how I look at all. I do want to be smaller and be able to look at myself for once and say I'm skinny. 

The first thing I took away from this chapter was where it said, "And so it is with our bodies. We are walking around looking in mirrors without seeing the entire, true, and beautiful picture". I had to think to myself...what is that then? What is the entire, true and beautiful picture? Right now every time I hear that I shouldn't think this way because God sees me as beautiful I just don't understand that. First of all, how can He really think that?! Look at me! But also, he created me so yeah He's going to think He did a good job. Then going along with that thought I begin to think, WOW I'm basically saying God didn't do a good job by thinking this way and I know that's wrong thinking but I just want to be able to see it! I want to know how He can possibly see me that way. 

Second little part I found in this chapter was that "we are attempting to be someone else and missing out on who God made us to be." I really do desire to be the woman God made me to be...seriously, I do! Then I look in a mirror and say really God? You had to make me look like this?! Can't I just be thinner but still be me? Once again a wrong way to think, but I can't help but think it! I guess it is a start to be recognizing where my wrong thinking lies. A very small step in something that will not fix itself over night--but a step nonetheless. Hey, I gotta try to think positively in this process so every little bit counts! 

The last quote that I underlined in this first chapter was this: "What if we made our bodies less about us and more about Jesus?" Oh man...now if that doesn't guilt me for how I think then I don't know what will! And yes, I do feel guilty about, but it's a struggle not to. When something doesn't fit right anymore or I see the little belly bulge or see someone that just looks perfect it frustrates me. But really that is being selfish, right? I guess I'm supposed to remember that God created me and my body belongs to Him really. So I should be glorifying Him in all I think and do with my body! Yes, I included the word think because God does see us as beautiful so we should do the same. I just pray for God to please allow me to see myself as He does! Please, God! I don't want this to be a constant struggle! I want my body to be more about You! Not about me and what I want!

One of the questions in the end of the chapter asked "How much of your perspective regarding your body has been about God?" and my answer even was a disappointment to myself! How can it not be disappointing to God then? I wrote 0% of my perspective has been about God in regard to my body! I have a focus on looking good so I have pushed aside what I know to be the truth. I have given total disregard to how I know God sees me. 

"For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart."

1 Samuel 16:7 ESV

Dear God, I cry out to you as I begin this journey in seeing myself as You see me! I want to feel beautiful! Give me the strength I will need, the encouragement I will need and the heart I will need to change this constant battle I have been struggling with for so long now. Only You can fix me. God, please take control of this area in my life! I am Yours....a daughter of the King! ~Amen

Your Heart

I have to say, I feel like a completely different person these past several weeks. So many things have gone on and I really can see a change occurring in my life. A good change...no, an amazing change. I have been quite stubborn and resistant in wanting to allow this change to happen in my life because I did know it would mean giving things up and changing how I live my life. But God broke down my walls of pride and selfishness and revealed Himself to me. I have a song on my iPhone playlist and my shuffle kept coming back to it and I started to realize God may have been doing that to help get my attention and to actually listen to the words...and so I did and it brings tears to my eyes when I hear the song because it really is my new desire and should be everyone's desire in their life. The song is called, "Your Heart" by Chris Tomlin.

It never was about the oil dripping from my head
I never did dream beyond the pastures I could tend
It never was about the praise, not about the street parade
I didn’t really need a crowd when Goliath fell down
I never meant to woo a king with simple shepherd songs
Or hide away inside a cave, safe from danger’s arms
I never meant to wear a crown, or try to bring armies down
It never was about me and who I hoped to be
At the end of the day, I wanna hear people say
My heart looks like Your heart, my heart looks like Your heart
When the world looks at me, let them agree
That my heart looks like Your heart, my heart looks like Your heart
I never thought I would be much more than Jesse’s kin
Who would ever dream a king would come from Bethlehem?
I know that I’ve crashed and burned, lives have been overturned
But You redeem everything, yeah, even me
At the end of the day, I want to hear people say
That my heart looks like Your heart, my heart looks like Your heart
When the world looks at me, I pray all they see
Is my heart looks like Your heart, my heart looks like Your heart
Five little stones, or a royal robe
Shepherd or king doesn’t mean a thing
At the end of the day
At the end of the day, I wanna hear people say
That my heart looks like Your heart, my heart looks like Your heart
Unashamed I will dance, In Your name, lift my hands
‘Til my heart looks like Your heart, my heart looks like Your heart 

I think the chorus of that song is so convicting! How many of us can really say that at the end of the day? But that really should be our goal and desire...that our heart would reflect the heart of Christ. We are commanded in Scripture to live as Christ did. 

"The one who says he abides in Him ought himself to walk in the same manner as He walked."

1 John 2:6

This song has really challenged my heart and mind to strive to live in a manner pleasing to Christ. I want Him to be proud of me when I finally see Him face to face. I don't want Him to be disappointed when He looks at the life I'm living. One of the things I really struggled with, unfortunately, was my purity. I had no regard for what Christ taught us on the subject through Scriptures. I just did what I wanted thinking that it was my life, my body and so why couldn't I do what made me feel good? Wow...even just writing that now makes me shake my head at how selfish that was of me to think that way! My pastor recently preached a sermon on sex and it really blew me away and challenged me. I had no right to be living in such a way. Can I change the mistakes I've made? No. But I can change how I live from here on out and that is what I am striving to do now. I want to make my Heavenly Father proud of me. I want to have His heart. I want others to look at my life and see Christ reflected in me.

 

A Journey Worth Taking

       Ok, so I had to really think about how to talk about my testimony. And the first thing that came to my mind was like a person going on a journey. My life has taken many windy roads with a lot of bumps on the way. And I am far from arriving at my destination, but I'm setting my spiritual GPS and letting God take the wheel. We can go back to the beginning....way back to when I was five years old. That is really when everything began for me. My dad had passed away suddenly and unexpectedly right after my grandmother had passed away. The only thing I could think of was wanting to see my dad again and I knew that meant I had to be saved to get into heaven. So, in kids church one Sunday when an invitation was given, I went forward with half the other kids just so I knew I'd see daddy again.

      Well, that basically held me over for most of life growing up. I was convinced I was saved and good to go. Had no need to worry. Not to mention I was living in a Christian home, going to a Christian school and went to church three times a week. How couldn't I be saved? And really I was a good kid. So there was no need to question anything. Then I got into high school--still a christian school, but yet things started changing for me. By tenth grade, I was finding myself to be very depressed. If anyone looked at the life I had, they'd ask why? How could I have any reason to be depressed? But yet I was even to the point of cutting myself. I sometimes scared myself that I had let myself get to that point. This continued on as my high school years went on. By my senior year, I was depressed and making decisions in my life that were probably considered insane. It is like I had gone off the deep end. My friends tried talking me out of a very bad online relationship I had developed but I just blocked them out and did what I wanted.

       Then we hit my college years and things kind of smoothed out. I wasn't completely happy but the depression had seemed to go away for me and my focus changed to getting through my time at college and trying to have fun doing so. I knew how to live a good life and I even tricked my own mind into thinking I was a good person. I had some ups and downs along the way, but overall it was a good four years until my last semester. I felt like I hit a wall and couldn't get around it. My health was not good and had to deal with surgery and that put me behind in my work. Nothing went right with school or relationships or even things as little as my car always breaking down. I just sunk back into a deep depression and everything seemed to go wrong...and when something went right I would not even recognize it in my life because I was so depressed again. Fortunately, I made it through and graduated. But then I went from being surrounded by Bible teaching and church and being in a Christian bubble to having none of that at home really. Church was once a week but just because I was expected to go.

        That summer following graduation was not good at all. I made some of the worst decisions in my life. Ones that I can never take back and have to live with. But I didn't care then and just wanted to live life to the fullest. I was still feeling depressed in life but now I just covered that with drinking and guys. At the end of the summer, I was tired of life. I was chatting on Facebook with a friend from college and she was hearing how I was living my life. She began to ask me questions...deep questions and ones that I really didn't want to answer because I knew my answers weren't good ones. I kind of brushed off the questions at the times because I didn't want to face the truth. The very obvious truth that I had spent so many years ignoring. But after a couple days of having those questions go over in my mind, I broke down. So I faced the truth and knew I was not happy in life and wanted to fill the very large void that I had been filling with all the wrong things. I talked to Emily, my friend from college again, and told her how right she was and that I was not truly saved. I never had really asked Christ into my heart. What I had done at five was meaningless merely to "see my dad again". I didn't care about a relationship with God, which was very evident in my life.

         So I accepted Christ into my life. And things started getting better. I had a reason to live now and keep moving forward, however I let circumstances get in the way of what really mattered. Months going by without a job. A dying car. Bad health. Not being able to pay bills. Failed relationships. Why was God letting all this happen? Depression had kicked back in and it hit me full force. Cutting and everything. To points I didn't even want to live anymore. I knew for a fact I was saved now, so why was feeling this way? Why was I having such a hard time in life? Then it dawned on me---I never took the steps I needed after getting saved to make my new found life grow. I didn't change anything in my life except that one day I asked Christ into my heart. So I talked to my pastor and got help for what my doctor rules as "irritable depression". Things have certainly changed for me. I'm finally on the right road again. Still hitting a few speed bumps now and then, but have one focus in my life now--and that is growing and serving God with my life. Living a God-honoring life and being a true woman after God's own heart...a Proverbs 31 woman. I see things differently and have never been happier in life. So I am going to let God take control of my life and I know I'll be on track in this journey I've been on....and while it's been rough it has definitely been worth taking!

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11