All is Lost

What do you do when you don't even feel like living anymore? That's how I feel...I just want my life to stop. To cease existing. I mean what's the point anymore? I've been trying so hard to stay strong these past few months and I'm failing miserably at it. I've been married for 7 months now and still don't feel like we're married. We are STILL living at his parents with the limited privacy. I feel defeated...feel like giving up. Everything in my life seems like it's crashing down on me. And I've tried so hard, yet nothing. I've lost a second job just since being married. And now am going on three months of being unemployed. Can't pay our bills. No luck finding a job. When something looks hopeful, then it comes crashing down all around me again. I just keep getting told "it'll work out." or "keep trusting God" and I've really tried...really, I have...but I feel like He doesn't care one bit about my life. I don't see His hand at work anywhere right now. It's like He just walked away and gave me up as a lost cause. All's I ever wanted was to have a happy marriage, a nice little place to call a home, family, a decent job (nothing showy or anything....just to meet our needs) and I can't seem to find that anywhere. Then there's the lousy health, mounding bills, getting a ticket and then that blowing up in our face as well, severe self-image issues and the list seems to go on and on. I don't see an end in sight. My wonderful husband tries to help, but there's no solution. There's no escaping these feelings I'm drowning in. I know no one will ever read this because I don't share it or anything, but if anyone does then they'll get to read about my screwed up life. It's a pathetic life really. I wish I didn't have to say that, but it's so overwhelmingly true. Today I went shopping for an Easter dress and came back empty handed because my depression on how extremely fat I am took over and couldn't bare looking at myself in the mirror one more time. And I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to about this. I know I should be telling my husband all this, but what good will it do? He'll just feel bad for me, but there's nothing he or anyone else can do to change these things. None of my friends from back home or college even try talking to me anymore (even when I make an attempt), so what's the point anymore? Why am I even on this earth? I am doing no good for anyone or anything here. Yet....I don't have the guts to do it. I wish I did right now, but I don't. But really, I wish God would just show that He's here and working something...anything...out for my life. I wish I'd get a job. I wish we didn't have unbearable financial problems right now. I wish we had our own place. I wish I could be a mother--something good in my life that would bring joy even if everything else is going wrong. I wish my friends talked to me. I wish I wasn't fat. I wish I didn't have insufferable migraines and stomach issues. I wish I could see my family more. I wish I could feel married. I wish I could be happy. Maybe that's all just wishful thinking though. Maybe not...maybe something good will finally happen in my life, but I think I'm just getting used to it not. So I just fade away...

You're Losing Me, God

Well I cannot even think of where to start! Things have even crazy lately. I'm officially married now--Mrs. Stephanie Bisaccia ❤️ But things are not how I would like. Or how I planned. I have been married over a month now and yet I have not felt married. I easily get depressed and overwhelmed with things. Why can't we both have better jobs? Why can't we afford our own place? Why do we have to live at his parents where they have no respect for our privacy as newlyweds?! I know I'm venting a bit but I feel it's the only place I can get my feelings out for my own sake. Because I'm sure no one reads this maybe except my husband! But I absolutely hate living there and I don't even know if that's accurately describing how I feel. I couldn't sleep last night because I was so livid with my brother in law. Of everyone, he shows the least respect and care for our privacy! And what can I do about it?....NOTHING!  Because he's a spoiled brat and doesn't get corrected for anything because I think they're too afraid of him....how he will react! Which I swear if I'm ever a parent like that then someone shoot me! But what can I do? What does my opinion matter? I try so hard to stay positive and focused on God and His plan but it's so incredibly hard. It's hard when everything seems to be wrong in my life except my husband who is what's kept me going this long. He's amazing and such a sweet and caring man of God. I couldn't have found a better man if I tried! But honestly, God, you're losing me! My faith slips further and further away by the hour and I hate that but when I see things around me I just have the hardest time seeing your hand at work in my life. But I desperately need You! Please intervene in my life...in our life for that matter. That we may find better jobs. That Chris would get published. That we would get out of that house soon! Please, God! Alls I can do is ask that of You! Help me to trust You! It's hard so I need your help! 

My Prayer

God,

I feel completely broken. I have felt these past couple of months that you aren't even listening to me or that you don't even care. It seems like one bad thing after another building on top of each other and I've fallen from you, plagued with fear and doubt that you're even there...that you even exist. I keep asking why would a loving and gracious God allow all this stuff to keep happening? Why can't you just step in and provide a job...provide the finances...care for my health both mental and physical? I've been confused and depressed, I'll admit. But despite all that I feel right now, I seek and ask for your forgiveness on how I've acted during this. I let myself focus too much on these problems and walk away from you. I hide it from everyone else, but I've stopped praying, stopped going to church and not even caring how I lived. And I'm truly sorry for losing focus of you. Is it all still hard? Yes, very much so. Will I probably struggle with this same thing again? Most likely. But I pray, oh God, that you would help me trust in you and help me stand back up. Hold my hand through this because I can't do it anymore. It's too hard and more than I can handle on my own. Forgive me and I pray that I can do better from now on. You know my needs, you love me and I know you have a great plan for me even through all of this. Help me to trust that plan, even though I may not know why...you know so help that to be all that matters to me. I pray that you will provide a great job for me soon that I will love and that can provide for my needs. But until then, allow me to cling to you and your Word that promises that you will NEVER leave me! You always will be here for me and care about my life. I've acted selfishly by responding how I did. And I pray that I learn from this time rather than causing more pain and heartache through negative thinking. I know things will all work out somehow. I'll get a new job, I'll be able to pay off my bills and maybe even someday I'll figure out all these health things. So help me to trust and have great faith in you! Set me back up on my feet again and show me the way you'd have me to go. And may I not stumble or fall...hold my hand through this God. I praise you for the amazing love and care from Chris and for bringing such a strong man of faith into my life. And I praise you that I am your daughter and for your unfailing love. It's so great to know that even though I've walked away from you, you're there with open arms ready to have me back and forgive me. Continue to be my  hope and source of strength. I love you and hand all my struggles over to you.

In Jesus' Name,

Amen

"And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus" Philippians 4:19

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

Where Are You?

*Sigh.....I don't know where to begin because honestly I feel like it won't make a difference anyhow, but I'm hoping that writing everything I'm feeling will help somehow. The past several months for me could be described as hell. It's been so long though since I've written on here...probably because lately I've liked keeping all my feelings inside. Chris is the only person can even begin to know how I'm feeling and what I'm going through. I lost my job in the beginning of January to a scam! And I can't help but feel it's my own fault because I fell for it! How stupid am I? And now it's going on 4 months later and I still don't have a job and so in debt and can't pay my bills! And I'm trying to plan a wedding with money I don't have which has been extremely stressful. If you don't know this already about me, I don't handle stress well at all. In fact, I struggle with anxiety which makes everything 100x worse. So between being unemployed so long, the wedding, finances and other stuff that seems to endlessly arise my health has declined due to the stress. So then I stress about the health issues as well. So I'm a mess really. I wish I could get a handle on all of this. And what I've come to hate most about this is how helpless I feel. Because I can't do anything about it to fix it all, and while I know people are trying to help I've begun to feel like a charity case where people just feel bad for me and help out of pity. I hate feeling like that, but I can't help it. I'm lucky if I don't break down or have a panic attack at least 3-4 times/week. 

Another thing that is making this so hard is I can't stand the way I look. No matter how hard I try, I can't lose weight. To me, when I look in the mirror, I feel like the fattest, most unappealing woman in the world! And when no one gets that or understands that--even if it's not true--it's how I feel! It's how I see myself when I look in the mirror and I hate it. But I can't help it. And nothings working. I have really bad panic attacks when I just think about it afraid I'll always look like this. I can hardly take compliments from people anymore and I feel bad, but hate hearing "You look great" or "You look beautiful today" from people because I can't see it but so badly want to. And the thing is, I keep it all inside unless I'm talking to Chris about it. I always tell people I'm doing good and everything's great because I don't like being like this or giving anyone reason to "feel bad" for me. I guess that's my own pride or just being scared to be real with anyone. I want people to think I've got this together. But in reality, I don't. I think I feel that I'm expected to be able to handle it. But I'm lost and I don't know how to get through all this anymore.

I've been struggling with one big question lately among all this. Does God even care? Does He see that I can't handle all of this? I mean, I thought He promised to not give us more than we can handle! But He has....I've far surpassed the point where I can handle all this. And it just seems that He's been piling more and more on. With finances...adding more bills with health stuff and now a car that has many things needing fixed. Still no job. Where is He during all this? I don't know when it happened but I've lost sight of Him and feel like I'm drowning in my struggles. There's times when I want nothing to do with Him anymore because it feels like He's just abandoned me! Then I feel guilty later for even thinking in such a way! But where is He? Why won't He take some of this hurt and pain away in my life? I'm having a hard time having the trust and faith I'm supposed to in Someone that isn't helping. I just don't know what to do. I do thank Him for such a loving and caring fiance that has helped me get this far in this. Chris has been my rock! lol....he's let me cry on his shoulder sooo many times! But I'm barely hanging on anymore....and I'm sick of it. I need God to make Himself known in my life....to work somehow....until then hopefully I make it. 

"Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. Relieve the troubles of my heart and free me from my anguish." Psalm 25:16-17

"Breaking the Cultural Mirror"

"So let us run the race that is before us and never give up. We should removed from our lives anything that would get in the way and the sin that so easily holds us back. Let us look only to Jesus, the One who began our faith and who makes it perfect."

Hebrews 12:1-2 NCV

So this was the last chapter in my book. Overall, it was a good book. I did learn some stuff, though this struggle is still a huge battle for me. But I have another book that I will be starting on the topic which I'm sure I'll blog about as well. 

In the very beginning of this chapter the author stated something that sounds just like me...as if she was directing the comment at me. "Many of us may know truth, but our hearts haven't embraced it. We may speak it, but it isn't reflected in our thinking or actions. Our vision has shifted from Jesus to what He can give us, then over to others, then back to ourselves, and everywhere in between.....one huge distraction and lie along the way that we fall prey to is the trap of comparisons." This is exactly where my problem lies. I know the truth on this matter, but my heart hasn't embraced it. I don't even know why because I know it's in the Scriptures so it's obviously true, but yet I can't wrap my heart and mind around it. And she nailed it on the head when she said that comparisons is a huge distraction. I am constantly finding myself comparing me to other women who look great! Wishing desperately that I just could look like them. Women that are thin--the perfect size. Women with fabulous skin or hair. Women that are outgoing. Women that don't have the hormone imbalance that I have to daily deal with. I'm always comparing myself to these other women and never measuring up to that standard I so badly want in my mind and seeing that they do. It's a bad habit for me to be doing such a thing, but I can't help it. It just happens when I see it. But I feel helpless to do anything about it. Like I'll never be able to change. God, please help me with this! I feel like I will never conquer this battle! Only You can help me!

This is what Melinda Doolittle says on the topic of comparing and competing with others, "To me, that passage (Psalm 139:13-16) says that we matter to God: he made us, and even before we were born, He established a plan for our lives. We cannot base our estimation of ourselves on the fickle opinions of other people. That's why I believe I am only in competition with myself. Certainly, I want to be the best "me" possible, so I work at my craft. I try to take good care of my body, mind and spirit. But I don't base my self esteem on someone else's idea of who I should be. Funny, may images of celebrities or models in magazines nowadays are "computer enhanced", altered to look better by someone who is handy with a mouse. The images themselves are not even real, much less valid comparisons. So rather than comparing yourself to anyone else, simply relax and enjoy being the person God made you to be. You are your own competition. In fact, you are your only competition." 

The last quote I wanted to mention before I end this blog on the book. "Intimacy is surrendering every single part of us to Him so He can grow us to look more like Him--seeing with His eyes, loving with His love, walking in His will, and being obedient in what He has called us to do. It is realizing we don't have to perform, but that He is doing the work in and through us." This was a pretty powerful quote. I can't say that I've been able to do this fully. Am I willing to surrender every part of me to Him? Even this battle I'm fighting? I desperately do want to be more like Him. That is my hearts one desire, but to do this means understanding and accepting this truth that I am beautiful. God, help allow Your truth to take hold of my heart. Help break down this wall in my life and allow me to be more like You! I love you, God!

I want to end with the prayer that the author ended her book with. I want this to be my prayer!

"Lord, I come and give myself to You as an offering. Take every part of me--from the top of my head to the soles of my feet, from the innermost parts to the outermost parts. Take the best of me and the rest of me. Take my heart, because I can't do it on my own. I am a sinner saved only by Your grace. Apart from You, there is nothing good or beautiful in me. Holy Spirit, come into my heart and begin to move, begin to uncover the lies that are buried there about who You are--Your character and Your heart--about who I am, how I see myself, about my body, and my relationship with You. Reveal Yourself and the truths You want me to discover about who You made me to be. Give me the desire and the strength to take steps to walk in that privilege. Show me what real and intimate relationship with You is like. I want to walk in the desires of Your heart. Amen"

 

"When The Tent Begins to Sag, Keep Your Eyes On The Mansion"

"We've been given a glimpse of the real thing, our true home, our resurrection bodies! The Spirit of God whets our appetite by giving us a taste of what's ahead. He puts a little of heaven in our hearts so that we'll never settle for less."

2 Corinthians 5:5 MSG

Well I have to admit this chapter was not as good as I was hoping. Ok, so it was good but not helpful for what I'm struggling with. I think was meant to be but I don't see how. The chapter talked about how when we get to heaven we will receive new, glorified and perfect bodies. Which is great and exciting to look forward to, but I don't know how that is supposed to help me feel better about how I look now and how I am. I did, however, want to share something that I found in this chapter. The author used to help out at a retirement community and she pointed out some of the life lessons: 

• "Three keys to living a joyful and victorious life: Jesus Christ, a positive attitude, and a thankful heart. We have a choice when life throws the tough stuff at us. We can choose to keep our eyes on these and rise above the situation, or we can choose to keep our eyes on ourselves and become negative and bitter."
• "Relationships are what matter in life. The time and investment we make in others determine the dividends we receive later."
• "Life isn't fair no matter what our age and stage of life because we live in a broken world."
• "Our faith in Jesus is all that remains when life has stripped us of what the earth deems valuable."
• "Healing can sometimes come slowly, but with every trace of it we can be assured we're headed in the right direction."
• "We naturally assign ourselves value by what we do, not by who (or whose) we are. And because of it, we struggle when change occurs."
• "To grow older can be difficult, but to grow older with Jesus is beautiful. Our bodies will deteriorate, but inwardly we are being renewed every day (2 Corinthians 4:16)."

While the chapter didn't really help me with this constant battle I'm struggling with, I found those life lessons extremely good and helpful just for life in general. The first one especially stuck out to me. Really, it's true! To get through life that is really all we need. Jesus Christ, first and foremost. A positive attitude. A thankful heart. I know I'm not always good at keeping my focus on these three things, but it is my goal to do so with whatever life throws at me.

Another thing I had underlined was "when we turn our eyes to Jesus, when we soak in His declaration of who He is and who we are because of Him, the lies give way to truth and our discontentment becomes celebration! Keep looking up!" Oh, how I wish I can have this truth sink into my heart and mind. That's my problem is the truth doesn't seem to be able to really sink in like it needs to. I know what the truth is, but struggle to accept and truly believe it. God, I yearn and long to really know and accept this truth that I am beautiful to You!! Please open my eyes and heart. Show me I'm a beautiful daughter of the King!

"People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within."

~Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

 

"You Mean I Get A Servant With This House?"

"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever."

1 Corinthians 9:24-25 NIV

I think this chapter was probably my favorite so far. I'm not going to write about everything I underlined because I would be here all night. I don't know, maybe all the chapters have been this great but I'm just now starting to grow in this area so my eyes were opened to more of the truths held within the chapter--which are contained in the Scriptures. A lot of this chapters focus was on exercise--yep, I said the dreaded word! The author actually tries to convince everyone that exercise really IS good for us...hmmm who would've known! lol. 

The first point I wanted to highlight from the chapter was when the author states, "because our bodies are a valuable gift, to care for them is an act of love and respect--to God, to others, and to ourselves." The author, Jocelyn Hamsher has us take a good look at what self-care really looks like! Exercise. Balanced nutrition. Massage therapy. A good night sleep. Doing something that we really enjoy doing. All these things are just some of the ways that self-care looks like. Hamsher gives the example of how it would be if she borrowed her best friends car and then recklessly banged up the car and trashed the inside? Of course anyone that did that would feel awful! How is not taking care of our bodies any different than trashing our friends car? Our bodies are the temples of the Holy Spirit! Jesus Christ dwells within us and so we are we to make our bodies become master! But really, why shouldn't I want to take care of myself? Why wouldn't I take care of something far more precious given to me by someone far more important who loves me far greater?

A very good question was later asked in the chapter that really causes me to think. "What or who is controlling your body?" Wow! I had never thought of that. I didn't really know how to answer that question when I first read it. But when it comes down to it, I found several things to be controlling my body rather than allowing God to have control of this area. Food with the lack of exercise was a big thing. I spent a lot of time complaining about how I look, yet I always eat more food and do less exercise if any at all! So now, who's fault really is it if I don't look "good". Yeah well as much as I hate to admit it, it's mine. I've been better recently with this than I used to be. Trying to get into the habit of daily exercise and eating less. Another very big thing that I have let control my body (probably actually the key thing) is society. I was letting society and their standard for perfection to guide and control how I thought I needed to look. I was allowing society to determine my worth rather than letting God determine my worth. 

Probably my favorite statement in this book so far was in context with speaking on the importance of exercise and how we see our bodies. "The focus has turned from losing weight to the bigger picture of better health. The focus has turned from being approved of by others to the bigger picture of being responsible for taking care of God's dwelling place. The focus has changed from seeing my body as master to the bigger picture of seeing my body as a servant." I have never ever been able to think of my body that way...but I want to! My body has certainly been the master of my life! But the author goes on to point out that our bodies were a gift to us by God to be a servant for us to use to bless God and others. To love and to appreciate. And for me to accomplish what God has called and purposed me to do. I pray that I will soon learn to view my body in this way! I no longer want my body and how I look to control my life! 

The author wraps up the chapter by telling us how we can accomplish all this. First, we need to be intentional. We need to do something about it! It's making the decision ahead of time and then doing it. We need to be intentional in both our physical and spiritual lives! Intentionally make time for exercising and taking care of yourself physically. And then intentionally make time to be in God's Word and prayer daily to take care of yourself spiritually. Second, we must stay focused! Where our eyes are fixed is so vital, because everything else in us will just follow. Once we have set up a plan we must strive to stay focused in accomplishing it. The author states that proper focus builds endurance! Finally, we must make our bodies servants. Training means we choose to look and treat our bodies as servants and no longer as our masters. Ways we see this accomplished is through exercising. Through self-restraint. By not giving into every want and craving that we may have. And in time, it will become easier for us. "Then when we give God all of us, we can trust in Him to lead us to a new place of health and life--physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually--in His time and in His way."

"Life is more than just getting through a workout, it's getting through trials, times of waiting, disappointments, frustrations, and heartbreak. But these times aren't spent in vain when we bring them before Jesus. He can turn tragedy into tenderness, pain into patience, failure into faith, struggle into surrender, trial into tenacity, temptation into triumph. So, how do we train physically and spiritually? Be intentional, stay focused, and make our bodies servants."

~Jocelyn Hamsher