You're Losing Me, God

Well I cannot even think of where to start! Things have even crazy lately. I'm officially married now--Mrs. Stephanie Bisaccia ❤️ But things are not how I would like. Or how I planned. I have been married over a month now and yet I have not felt married. I easily get depressed and overwhelmed with things. Why can't we both have better jobs? Why can't we afford our own place? Why do we have to live at his parents where they have no respect for our privacy as newlyweds?! I know I'm venting a bit but I feel it's the only place I can get my feelings out for my own sake. Because I'm sure no one reads this maybe except my husband! But I absolutely hate living there and I don't even know if that's accurately describing how I feel. I couldn't sleep last night because I was so livid with my brother in law. Of everyone, he shows the least respect and care for our privacy! And what can I do about it?....NOTHING!  Because he's a spoiled brat and doesn't get corrected for anything because I think they're too afraid of him....how he will react! Which I swear if I'm ever a parent like that then someone shoot me! But what can I do? What does my opinion matter? I try so hard to stay positive and focused on God and His plan but it's so incredibly hard. It's hard when everything seems to be wrong in my life except my husband who is what's kept me going this long. He's amazing and such a sweet and caring man of God. I couldn't have found a better man if I tried! But honestly, God, you're losing me! My faith slips further and further away by the hour and I hate that but when I see things around me I just have the hardest time seeing your hand at work in my life. But I desperately need You! Please intervene in my life...in our life for that matter. That we may find better jobs. That Chris would get published. That we would get out of that house soon! Please, God! Alls I can do is ask that of You! Help me to trust You! It's hard so I need your help! 

My Prayer

God,

I feel completely broken. I have felt these past couple of months that you aren't even listening to me or that you don't even care. It seems like one bad thing after another building on top of each other and I've fallen from you, plagued with fear and doubt that you're even there...that you even exist. I keep asking why would a loving and gracious God allow all this stuff to keep happening? Why can't you just step in and provide a job...provide the finances...care for my health both mental and physical? I've been confused and depressed, I'll admit. But despite all that I feel right now, I seek and ask for your forgiveness on how I've acted during this. I let myself focus too much on these problems and walk away from you. I hide it from everyone else, but I've stopped praying, stopped going to church and not even caring how I lived. And I'm truly sorry for losing focus of you. Is it all still hard? Yes, very much so. Will I probably struggle with this same thing again? Most likely. But I pray, oh God, that you would help me trust in you and help me stand back up. Hold my hand through this because I can't do it anymore. It's too hard and more than I can handle on my own. Forgive me and I pray that I can do better from now on. You know my needs, you love me and I know you have a great plan for me even through all of this. Help me to trust that plan, even though I may not know why...you know so help that to be all that matters to me. I pray that you will provide a great job for me soon that I will love and that can provide for my needs. But until then, allow me to cling to you and your Word that promises that you will NEVER leave me! You always will be here for me and care about my life. I've acted selfishly by responding how I did. And I pray that I learn from this time rather than causing more pain and heartache through negative thinking. I know things will all work out somehow. I'll get a new job, I'll be able to pay off my bills and maybe even someday I'll figure out all these health things. So help me to trust and have great faith in you! Set me back up on my feet again and show me the way you'd have me to go. And may I not stumble or fall...hold my hand through this God. I praise you for the amazing love and care from Chris and for bringing such a strong man of faith into my life. And I praise you that I am your daughter and for your unfailing love. It's so great to know that even though I've walked away from you, you're there with open arms ready to have me back and forgive me. Continue to be my  hope and source of strength. I love you and hand all my struggles over to you.

In Jesus' Name,

Amen

"And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus" Philippians 4:19

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

Where Are You?

*Sigh.....I don't know where to begin because honestly I feel like it won't make a difference anyhow, but I'm hoping that writing everything I'm feeling will help somehow. The past several months for me could be described as hell. It's been so long though since I've written on here...probably because lately I've liked keeping all my feelings inside. Chris is the only person can even begin to know how I'm feeling and what I'm going through. I lost my job in the beginning of January to a scam! And I can't help but feel it's my own fault because I fell for it! How stupid am I? And now it's going on 4 months later and I still don't have a job and so in debt and can't pay my bills! And I'm trying to plan a wedding with money I don't have which has been extremely stressful. If you don't know this already about me, I don't handle stress well at all. In fact, I struggle with anxiety which makes everything 100x worse. So between being unemployed so long, the wedding, finances and other stuff that seems to endlessly arise my health has declined due to the stress. So then I stress about the health issues as well. So I'm a mess really. I wish I could get a handle on all of this. And what I've come to hate most about this is how helpless I feel. Because I can't do anything about it to fix it all, and while I know people are trying to help I've begun to feel like a charity case where people just feel bad for me and help out of pity. I hate feeling like that, but I can't help it. I'm lucky if I don't break down or have a panic attack at least 3-4 times/week. 

Another thing that is making this so hard is I can't stand the way I look. No matter how hard I try, I can't lose weight. To me, when I look in the mirror, I feel like the fattest, most unappealing woman in the world! And when no one gets that or understands that--even if it's not true--it's how I feel! It's how I see myself when I look in the mirror and I hate it. But I can't help it. And nothings working. I have really bad panic attacks when I just think about it afraid I'll always look like this. I can hardly take compliments from people anymore and I feel bad, but hate hearing "You look great" or "You look beautiful today" from people because I can't see it but so badly want to. And the thing is, I keep it all inside unless I'm talking to Chris about it. I always tell people I'm doing good and everything's great because I don't like being like this or giving anyone reason to "feel bad" for me. I guess that's my own pride or just being scared to be real with anyone. I want people to think I've got this together. But in reality, I don't. I think I feel that I'm expected to be able to handle it. But I'm lost and I don't know how to get through all this anymore.

I've been struggling with one big question lately among all this. Does God even care? Does He see that I can't handle all of this? I mean, I thought He promised to not give us more than we can handle! But He has....I've far surpassed the point where I can handle all this. And it just seems that He's been piling more and more on. With finances...adding more bills with health stuff and now a car that has many things needing fixed. Still no job. Where is He during all this? I don't know when it happened but I've lost sight of Him and feel like I'm drowning in my struggles. There's times when I want nothing to do with Him anymore because it feels like He's just abandoned me! Then I feel guilty later for even thinking in such a way! But where is He? Why won't He take some of this hurt and pain away in my life? I'm having a hard time having the trust and faith I'm supposed to in Someone that isn't helping. I just don't know what to do. I do thank Him for such a loving and caring fiance that has helped me get this far in this. Chris has been my rock! lol....he's let me cry on his shoulder sooo many times! But I'm barely hanging on anymore....and I'm sick of it. I need God to make Himself known in my life....to work somehow....until then hopefully I make it. 

"Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. Relieve the troubles of my heart and free me from my anguish." Psalm 25:16-17