Storms of Life

So it's been a pretty rough past couple of days...make that weeks, ok months! I feel I need to just write everything down and get it all out!!! I've really just not enjoyed my semester which kind of is a bummer since it was my last semester as a college student! I thought living off of campus was going to be the greatest thing which it was (for the first half)! Classes are not fun or easy...I've actually been ready to throw in the towel on more than one occasion this semester...lucky for me I've had some people that have not let me do that! lol. They have encouraged me to keep going! Throw a surgery into the semester and recovery time kind of stinks too. Then for about a week it all started to look up again (That's probably when you all read my last blog lol)......then back down it has gone! I actually told a friend today that I wished I had stayed in the dorms (*never thought I'd hear myself say that one!). You hear the saying, "Drama, drama, drama...." well, that about sums up my semester! Drama and emotional choas! I just feel physically drained from trying to keep up with school and with my health. I feel emotionally drained with relationship issues. And I feel spiritually drained. Besides my family which I love so much and wish I could be with them right now...only 1 person has really helped me through everything and kept me going and that's Debbie! (Thanks Deb!) I just have grown to love her and respect her so much over the past few years and enjoy talking and spending time with her!!

All this time I've been wondering where God has been through all of this because I haven't felt His help or guidance through any of it. I've cried more times than I can count this semester and I've yelled at God for more things than I probably should have. Done things I regret. But I can't take any of the stuff back. But what I can do is ask for God's forgiveness. Ask for Him to help me get back up and start over. It won't be easy. It might not even be fun at times. There was one day when I was crying my eyes out texting a friend and asking why my life has never been easy....but God never promised easy. And He's just making me stronger for what He has in store for me! God does have a plan for me. Jeremiah 29:11 has been the verse I've always clung to. Brian Hansen has been the speaker in chapel the past few days and Tuesday he spoke on the Storms of Life and how some of us are facing storms in our lives and it's not easy and we need to trust God--give it all to God!!! He said in his message, "Can you be right where God wants you to be and things be still be difficult? Can you be right where God wants you to be and life go wrong?--Yes! Yes you can!" (Ok, Ben maybe I paid a little more attention than I thought I did :))We need to give it all over to God...I know, easier said than done but it's so worth it! His ways are higher than ours! He knows what He's doing. I know I feel like I won't make it through this semester, but I just have to remember that God can bring me through! (and that I only have 38 days until graduation!!!!!) I guess I gotta remember and remind myself that God is in control and try harder at putting Him first. Life will be so much more rewarding!

Moving Forward...

Wow, it's been a long time since I've been on here and so much has happened! I've been incredibly blessed by God and have also hit my all time low during that time! But I'm back and ready to move forward. I'm in my last month and a half of the semester and then graduation! Crazy, I know! I do not know what God holds for my future but am so excited to see what will happen. The first half of the semester was insane with having to get surgery and have my gall bladder removed and then trying to get caught up. It seemed like I couldn't handle it all and I never fully wanted to hand it over to God. Part of me always wanted to have control of it!

I also met this really great guy online and we hit things off really quickly but I already was struggling in my relationship with God and did not want to make Christ the center of our relationship. So quickly our relationship spiraled out of control as well. Really nothing was going well for me. Finances were a crazy mess and while the Lord kept providing in amazing and miraculous ways I still had a lot of needs that I didn't know how they were gonna be met! By the time Spring Break came I was a mess even though I thought I was doing great! But really I was lying to myself all that time! I was making myself think everything would be okay. The first half of Spring Break I made some of the worst decisions I could have ever made in my life that I will have to live with and regret but have learned from. I feel like I've fallen so far from God and then one day God just convicted me and I wanted to get things right. So I was going to get things right and mend my broken relationship with God. And then it seemed my world crashed down beside me that night with the guy I met....and that's when I really started thinking and working on things. And that's where I'm sitting right now. I could not be happier with where God has brought me. Yes, I have seriously messed up in some areas. But I have also learned so much! I read a devotional today by Sharon Jaynes about Ruth and Naomi and Orpah. It was all about whether or not you will choose to look back at your past or move forward and look ahead.

"Ruth, a Moabite, told Naomi, “Your God will be my God!” God was enough. She didn’t care if there was no husband, no future, no provision. She was not turning her back on Naomi. She was not turning her back on the God of Abraham. She was moving forward and trusting God!
There was nothing for Orpah in Bethlehem but God. There was nothing for Ruth in Bethlehem…but God. How many of us look at the future as Orpah did? We look ahead and it looks bleak, so we give up, turn around and go backwards…tuck our tails and go home?
How many of us look at the future, as Ruth did? She saw only God, and continued moving forward? How many of us, like Ruth, believe that God is enough?"

I want to look forward to my God! I want to move forward! God, I don’t see anything positive in this situation. I don’t see any hope. But I do see You and that’s enough. I’m moving forward…to Bethlehem…to the city whose name means, “House of Bread!” God I don’t see what the future holds. I know others around me don’t see any future for me. I have Naomi's in my life who tell me to turn around and go home. But God, you are enough. You are more than enough. You are all I need. I’m moving forward. I’m moving toward You!”

Dear God, no matter what anyone tells me today to try and discourage me from following hard after You, I am pressing forward. I am believing in You. I am trusting in You. I am clinging to You. You are more than enough.
In Jesus’ Name,
Amen.