All is Lost

What do you do when you don't even feel like living anymore? That's how I feel...I just want my life to stop. To cease existing. I mean what's the point anymore? I've been trying so hard to stay strong these past few months and I'm failing miserably at it. I've been married for 7 months now and still don't feel like we're married. We are STILL living at his parents with the limited privacy. I feel defeated...feel like giving up. Everything in my life seems like it's crashing down on me. And I've tried so hard, yet nothing. I've lost a second job just since being married. And now am going on three months of being unemployed. Can't pay our bills. No luck finding a job. When something looks hopeful, then it comes crashing down all around me again. I just keep getting told "it'll work out." or "keep trusting God" and I've really tried...really, I have...but I feel like He doesn't care one bit about my life. I don't see His hand at work anywhere right now. It's like He just walked away and gave me up as a lost cause. All's I ever wanted was to have a happy marriage, a nice little place to call a home, family, a decent job (nothing showy or anything....just to meet our needs) and I can't seem to find that anywhere. Then there's the lousy health, mounding bills, getting a ticket and then that blowing up in our face as well, severe self-image issues and the list seems to go on and on. I don't see an end in sight. My wonderful husband tries to help, but there's no solution. There's no escaping these feelings I'm drowning in. I know no one will ever read this because I don't share it or anything, but if anyone does then they'll get to read about my screwed up life. It's a pathetic life really. I wish I didn't have to say that, but it's so overwhelmingly true. Today I went shopping for an Easter dress and came back empty handed because my depression on how extremely fat I am took over and couldn't bare looking at myself in the mirror one more time. And I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to about this. I know I should be telling my husband all this, but what good will it do? He'll just feel bad for me, but there's nothing he or anyone else can do to change these things. None of my friends from back home or college even try talking to me anymore (even when I make an attempt), so what's the point anymore? Why am I even on this earth? I am doing no good for anyone or anything here. Yet....I don't have the guts to do it. I wish I did right now, but I don't. But really, I wish God would just show that He's here and working something...anything...out for my life. I wish I'd get a job. I wish we didn't have unbearable financial problems right now. I wish we had our own place. I wish I could be a mother--something good in my life that would bring joy even if everything else is going wrong. I wish my friends talked to me. I wish I wasn't fat. I wish I didn't have insufferable migraines and stomach issues. I wish I could see my family more. I wish I could feel married. I wish I could be happy. Maybe that's all just wishful thinking though. Maybe not...maybe something good will finally happen in my life, but I think I'm just getting used to it not. So I just fade away...